The short answer
Probably more than either of you ever wrote down. In many long marriages the work gets divided without a list, and each of you stops seeing the other's half.
Making the list now turns a fog of things into a number of jobs. A number can be dealt with, one line at a time.
What to do
- Walk through your home with a notebook, one room at a time.
- Write every job you can see on its own line.
- Go through a calendar month by month, and add the jobs that come once a year.
- Add the jobs that are not tasks, such as driving at night or calling his family.
- Ask a friend or relative who knew his routines what he did that you might not know.
- Write beside each job who did it and how often it comes.
- Keep the list, so that Learn it, hire it, or leave it? can decide each job.
What can wait
- Doing the jobs on the list. The exceptions are anything with a date close by, a leak, or anything that feels unsafe.
- Deciding which jobs to learn, hire out or stop. Learn it, hire it, or leave it? does that.
- Finding every account and bill. How do I find every account he had? does that.
- A complete list. It will keep growing for most of a year.
Who can help
A friend or relative who knew his routines can walk through the house with you, or sit with you while you write.
If there is no one nearby, the Eldercare Locator, 1-800-677-1116 or eldercare.acl.gov, finds your local Area Agency on Aging, which can say what help is available near you. A helper, or a librarian at your public library, can use the website with you.
If a day with the list turns very hard, Where to get help tonight, at the back of the book, lists who you can call.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 4: Everything They Handled
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 1. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 1 to 9.
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