He did the taxes. He knew which breaker was the kitchen. Now you do.
In many marriages the work gets divided without anyone writing it down: the furnace, the passwords, the car, the gutters, the phone call that renews the insurance. After he dies, the jobs he handled start arriving, often with no instructions.
This book helps you see every job, decide what to do about each one, and keep people from taking advantage of you while you do.
- The household audit: how to find every account and contract he kept track of, and where his passwords may be written down
- Getting into his phone, computer and email through each company's own process, and why a setting he chose can come before his will
- The house and the car: the shut-offs, the alarms, the seasons and the paperwork
- Learn it, hire it, or leave it: how to decide each job on its own
- How to find the people to hire without being taken advantage of
- How scams work now that voices and faces can be faked, and the few habits that guard against them
- The list you leave for someone else, in case something happens to you
The chapters are short, so you can read a little at a time. Each one opens with the question you are asking and gives the short answer first.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 What did he actually do around here?
“I didn't realize how much he did until it stopped getting done.”
Probably more than either of you ever wrote down. In many long marriages the work gets divided without a list, and each of you stops seeing the other's half.
Making the list now turns a fog of things into a number of jobs. A number can be dealt with, one line at a time.
2 How do I find every account he had?
“I keep finding bills I didn't know about. How do I find all of it?”
Follow the money. Twelve months of bank and card statements show almost every bill, subscription and account that was paid for. His mail and his tax forms show most of the rest.
Put each one on a single list as you find it. Deciding what to keep or cancel comes later.
3 How do I get into his phone, computer and email?
“Everything is on his phone and I don't know his passcode.”
There are proper ways in, and they are slower than guessing. Keep his phone line working, look for wherever the passwords were written down, and use each company's own process for a person who has died. Back up the photos first, as soon as you have a proper way in.
Some of his accounts may stay closed to you. His bank and card statements, his mail and his tax forms still show most of what those accounts paid for, and you can use them without any password.
4 How do I keep track of the bills?
“He paid everything online. I don't even know when things are due.”
One list, one calendar, one place to pay. Start with the master list from How do I find every account he had?. Put every due date on one calendar, and choose for each bill whether it pays itself or you pay it.
5 How do I look after the car?
“He took care of the car. I don't know when it needs anything.”
The owner's manual has the car's schedule, and a mechanic you trust can help you keep to it. The title, the registration and the insurance need your name on them. That is most of it.
6 What does the house need, and when?
“The power went out in the kitchen and I didn't even know where the breaker box was.”
A house has a short list of things to know and a longer list of things to do each season. You can learn the short list in one afternoon with someone who knows houses. The long list goes on the calendar, a month at a time.
7 Learn it, hire it, or leave it?
“Should I learn to do all the things he did, or just pay someone?”
Neither, as a rule. Decide each job on its own: how often it comes, how hard and risky it is, what it costs to hire, and whether you want to learn it.
Some jobs you will stop doing altogether, and that is allowed.
8 How do I hire someone without being taken advantage of?
“The roofer quoted a price I have no way of judging. How do I know I'm not being ripped off?”
Check them, compare them, and pay in stages. Find people through someone you trust, check their license if your state issues one, confirm their insurance, and get written prices from more than one.
Never pay everything up front, and never pay in cash. You don't have to judge one price on its own. You can put it next to two or three others for the same job.
9 Who is trying to scam me?
“I get calls every week from people who say they're from Medicare or the bank. How do I tell what's real?”
Treat any call, text or knock you didn't expect as not real until you have checked it yourself. Details in an obituary can lead scammers to you. Grief makes anyone easier to rush.
You don't have to become an expert. The same few plain habits apply to every kind of scam, including the new ones made with computers.
10 What about the paperwork he did every year?
“Every spring he sat at the kitchen table with a shoebox of papers. Now it's me.”
The yearly paperwork comes around on a calendar. Taxes, insurance renewals, Medicare choices and property tax each arrive at roughly the same time every year. Put them on one page, month by month, and decide who helps with each.
11 What if I was the one who handled everything?
“I always did the money and the house. So why does everything still feel undone?”
Because he may have done things nobody would call jobs: the company in the evening, the driving at night, the heavy lifting, the calls to his side of the family. And if you cared for him through a long illness, the work that filled your days has stopped all at once.
Both can go on your list and be decided one at a time, like everything else in this book.
12 What if something happens to me?
“If I'm the one who has an accident, nobody would know where anything is.”
You can leave the person after you the list you may have needed yourself. Write down where everything is, put your own legal papers in order with a lawyer, and tell one person where to look.
None of it has to be perfect, or done this month. Each part can be done on its own, in any order.
Hear when Everything They Handled is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.