Everyone has an opinion about the house. Only one of them is yours.
Stay or sell. Clear the closet or leave it closed. Then there are his tools, his books and his clothes: things that were his, and are now, somehow, a decision. People who love you will have views, and some will want an answer soon.
This book helps you make those decisions yourself, one at a time and at your own pace. It shows which ones have a real deadline and which only feel as if they do.
- The few house decisions with a real clock, including the tax rule tied to the date of his death
- What widows describe about moving early, both the regrets and the moves that were right
- What staying would cost, what help exists to keep the house, and where you might go instead
- Whose decision it is when the house was not only yours
- Clearing a lifetime of belongings without clearing him out of the house: a five-box method
- What to say when family want things, and what to do if something is taken
- Appraisers, estate sales, donations, his papers and his devices: what to ask before anything leaves
The chapters are short, so you can read a little at a time. Each one opens with the question you are asking and gives the short answer first.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 Do I have to decide about the house now?
“My son thinks I should sell. The agent down the road left a card. Do I have to decide?”
Probably not this year. A few situations do set a clock. They are money that will not stretch, a reverse mortgage, a rented home, a house you cannot safely manage, or other people with a share in it.
The first job is to find out whether you are in one of them. One tax rule also has a date in it, and it matters only if you sell. It is a reason to ask a tax preparer some questions before you list the house, whenever that is.
2 What if I want to move right away?
“I can't stand being in this house without him. Wouldn't it be easier somewhere else?”
Sometimes it is, and some widows who moved in the first year were glad they did. A hurried move can also bring the grief along, and leave behind the neighbors, routines and help you lean on without noticing.
Nobody can tell you how likely regret is. Knowing what can go wrong, and which reasons held up for widows who moved early, lets you test your own reasons before you sign anything.
3 Can I afford to stay?
“Can I even afford this house on one income?”
You can find out, and the answer may be less frightening on paper than it is in your head. List what the house really costs in a year, set it beside what will come in, and ask about the relief you may qualify for.
4 Can I manage the house on my own?
“He did the gutters and the snow and the furnace. Can I keep this place up by myself?”
Perhaps with help, and help can be hired. List what the house needs each season, and mark what you can do, what you can hire, and what worries you. The worries tell you more than the list does.
5 If I moved, where would I go?
“If I do move, where? Near my daughter? A condo? One of those 55-and-over places?”
There are more choices than staying where you are or moving near a child. Each one costs you something different, whether that is money, the friends around you, or some of your independence.
Wherever you can, try a place before you commit to it. If a community asks for a large entrance fee, have your own lawyer read the contract before you sign.
6 Whose decision is it?
“My children all have opinions about the house. So does my sister. Who gets a say?”
You do. Other people can have views, and some may have a legal share if the house was not fully yours. Where you live is still your decision.
You can listen to them without agreeing. Hear everyone out once, set a date, and decide in your own time.
7 When should I start on his things?
“His clothes are still in the closet. People keep asking when I'll clear them. Is something wrong with me?”
No. There is no right time to start on his things.
Some widows start within weeks because seeing his things hurts, and others wait years because seeing them helps. Either way is ordinary.
Start when you want to, not when someone else wants you to. A few things do have a practical clock, and they are listed below. Everything else can stay where it is until you decide otherwise.
8 How do I clear his things without clearing him out?
“How do I get rid of anything without feeling I'm getting rid of him?”
You can keep the things that hold him without keeping everything he owned. Work in one small area at a time, and sort what you find into five boxes. One of them is a Not yet box, for anything you cannot decide.
Then choose one corner, shelf or chair in your home that stays his, on purpose. The rest of the house can change around it.
If you are still deciding whether to begin at all, When should I start on his things? comes first. What follows is for the day you want to start.
9 Who should get what?
“My daughter wants his watch. So does my son. What do I do?”
Start with what the will says, if anything. For the rest, ask each person privately what matters to them before anyone takes anything, and use a fair way to choose when two people want the same thing.
Of the things that are yours to give, you can keep what you want first. Very little of this has to be settled soon, and none of it has to be settled by whoever asks first.
10 What do I do when someone takes something?
“His brother took his guns before I even knew. My stepdaughter took the jewelry. What can I do?”
First find out whose it was: the estate's, yours, or already theirs. Then decide which things matter enough to ask for back.
The executor may have the power to recover what belonged to the estate, and a lawyer can tell you how. You can take each step slowly.
11 What is it all worth, and how do I sell it?
“There's a garage full of tools, a coin collection, and his truck. How do I know what it's worth, and who do I sell to?”
Most household things are worth less than it feels they should be, and a few are worth more than anyone guesses. You can't always tell which is which by looking.
Have anything that might be valuable appraised by someone who is not buying it. Get every sale agreement in writing, and take the time you need.
12 What about everything nobody wants?
“The family has taken what they want, and there's still a houseful. What do I do with the rest?”
Donate what someone can use, recycle what you can, and pay someone to haul away the rest. You can do it in that order, and usually over as many weeks as you like.
Before any of it goes, set aside his papers and his devices: his phone, his computer, anything that holds photos or files. Back up what is on them. Those are the two things in the house that cannot be replaced if they leave by mistake.
Hear when The House and the Things is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.