The short answer
Start with what the will says, if anything. For the rest, ask each person privately what matters to them before anyone takes anything, and use a fair way to choose when two people want the same thing.
Of the things that are yours to give, you can keep what you want first. Very little of this has to be settled soon, and none of it has to be settled by whoever asks first.
This chapter explains how things usually work in the United States. It is not legal, tax or financial advice, and the rules where you live may differ. Before you act on anything here, check it with one of the people named at the end of the chapter.
What to do
- Check the will, and any signed list with it, for named gifts.
- Ask the executor before giving away anything of value.
- Have anything that may be worth money appraised before it changes hands.
- Ask each person, privately, for the three things that matter most to them.
- Keep what you want first.
- Use a fair way to choose when two people want the same thing.
- Write down who got what, and when.
What can wait
- Gifts to grandchildren, if there are grandchildren, until they are older.
- Dividing everything at once. You can settle one item, or one room, at a time.
- Answering a request on the day it is made.
Who can help
The executor can tell you what the will says about his belongings, and when they can leave the house. A probate or estate lawyer can explain the rest.
The ABA directory at americanbar.org/directories/lawyer-referral-directory finds your state and local bar associations, which run referral services. A helper, or a librarian at your public library, can look with you.
If the family can't agree, a private family or elder mediator can help. What each of these people actually does, at the back of this book, describes each one.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 3: The House and the Things
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 9. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 3 to 12.
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