How do I help my children while they grieve too?

The short answer

You can't grieve for them, and you don't have to fix their grief. You can tell them they don't need to protect you, and let each of them grieve in their own way.

That is a smaller job than the one you may have given yourself, and you can do it while you grieve too.

If you have no children, this chapter may still be for you. A niece or nephew, a godchild, or a friend who stepped in may be grieving him as well, so read “your children” as whoever that is for you.

If he had children from an earlier marriage, they have a chapter of their own, What about his family, and his children from before?

What to do

1. Ask each child how they are, on their own, by phone, letter or in person.
2. Tell them they don't need to protect you from their grief.
3. Share one memory of him with each of them, if they want it, and ask for one of theirs.
4. Let each of them grieve in their own way, without comparing them.
5. Say plainly when you don't have room today, and when you will be back in touch.
6. Ask their parents what a grandchild has been told, if there are grandchildren, before you answer the child's questions.
7. Ask for help with a grandchild's questions if you need it. The booklet and the materials from Sesame Workshop and the National Child Traumatic Stress Network are free.

What can wait

• Resolving old family tensions. Brothers and sisters can disagree for a while, and you don't have to settle it.
• Getting every child to talk. A silent child can stay silent for now.
• Deciding about his things or the house with them. Those are separate conversations.

Who can help

A family counselor may be able to meet with you and your children, together or one at a time. Book 5, The First Year, covers grief groups and counselors in Would a grief group or counselor help?

For a grandchild, the National Alliance for Children's Grief's Find Support directory, at nacg.org/find-support, lists local children's grief providers by ZIP code. There may not be one nearby.

If a day becomes more than you can manage, Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists who to call.

The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.

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Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.