Some of the people who stopped calling never meant to. Some did.
In the year after a husband dies, the people around you change. Couple friends may still call and stop inviting you. Adult children, if you have them, may be grieving a father while you grieve a husband. His family can feel closer than before, or much further away.
This book describes what widows report about friends and family after a death, and what some of them did about it.
- Why people act strangely around a widow, and the short replies for the things they say
- Why couples drift away, and what widows say helps keep the good ones
- Adult children: the money conversation, the house conversation, and the one about you
- Why a power of attorney does not cover Social Security, and the step you can take while you are well
- His family, and his children from before
- Other widows: where to find them, and why they can understand without being told
- New friends at this age, and the difference between being alone and being lonely
The chapters are short, so you can read a little at a time. Each one opens with the question you are asking and gives the short answer first.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 Why are people acting so strangely around me?
“A woman I've known for twenty years crossed the street when she saw me coming. What did I do?”
Probably nothing you did. Some people are so frightened of saying the wrong thing to a widow that they say nothing at all. Keeping their distance can be the easiest way to do that.
What they do can be more about them than about you: their fear, their own grief, their discomfort with death. It can also change once you make things a little easier for them.
Some of this you can change. The rest you are allowed to stop trying to change.
2 Why do people say such terrible things?
“Someone told me at least he isn't suffering anymore. I wanted to scream.”
People who say these things may be trying to make it better, without knowing how. You do not have to accept what they say, or answer it.
A few short replies, ready in advance, can make these moments easier.
3 Why have our couple friends drifted away?
“We had dinner with the same three couples for thirty years. Nobody has invited me since the funeral.”
It may not mean they stopped caring. Couple friendships can run on couples: dinners for four, his friends and their spouses, your friends and theirs, an even number at the table.
Without him, people may not know where you fit. Some of them may be waiting for a sign from you, and you may be waiting for one from them.
4 How do I keep the friends worth keeping?
“How do I keep the friends I still want, when they don't seem to know what to do with me?”
You can go first: a specific plan, on a specific day, and a plain sentence that you still want them in your life. People who are unsure may need an invitation more than they need time.
Going first is one thing you can try, if and when you want to. It is never a duty.
5 How do I help my children while they grieve too?
“My son won't talk about his father at all. My daughter calls every day in tears. I don't know how to help either of them.”
You can't grieve for them, and you don't have to fix their grief. You can tell them they don't need to protect you, and let each of them grieve in their own way.
That is a smaller job than the one you may have given yourself, and you can do it while you grieve too.
If you have no children, this chapter may still be for you. A niece or nephew, a godchild, or a friend who stepped in may be grieving him as well, so read “your children” as whoever that is for you.
If he had children from an earlier marriage, they have a chapter of their own, What about his family, and his children from before?
6 How do I talk to my children about money?
“My kids keep asking about the money. I don't know what to tell them, or how much.”
You decide what they know. It can help to tell your children that there is a plan, even without the details, and to keep your own accounts in your own control. Gifts and loans can wait.
7 How do I talk to my children about the house?
“One of my daughters wants me to sell and move near her. The other says I must never sell the family home.”
Have the conversation once, with everyone. Start by telling them what you have decided about deciding: when the decision will be made, and by whom.
Hearing each of them out does not mean doing what any of them says. You can listen to every view and still make the choice yourself, on your own date.
If you have no children, read this for whoever keeps raising the house: a niece, a nephew, his family, or a friend who has stepped in.
8 What do I tell my children about me?
“My children treat me like I'm fragile. I'm sad, not helpless.”
Tell them who you are now: what you need from them, what you don't, and how you are actually doing. They may be guessing. Guessing can make people hover, or stay away.
If you have no children, this chapter can still be yours. Read it for the niece, the nephew or the friend who has stepped in and started to worry about you.
If you have one child, read "children" as "child" all the way through. Nothing here assumes a large family, or one that lives nearby.
9 What about his family, and his children from before?
“His children from his first marriage have stopped speaking to me since the will was read.”
His family may be grieving too, and grief and money together can bring out hard feelings in anyone. You can't control how they grieve, and you don't have to settle it for them.
You can decide which relationships you want to keep, and invite those people. Anything about the estate can stay with the executor and the lawyer, away from the dinner table.
10 Where do I find other widows?
“Nobody around me understands. Where are the other women this has happened to?”
Closer than you might think. They are in grief groups, faith communities, senior centers, widows' organizations and online, and perhaps on your own street.
Other widows can understand without being told. That is worth looking for. You can try one place, leave it, and try another.
11 How do I make new friends at this age?
“I haven't made a new friend in thirty years. I don't even know how.”
Much the same way as at any age. You see the same people again and again, and one day you are the one who suggests coffee.
It can take longer than it used to, and the first months can feel awkward. It can still work.
12 What about being alone?
“The house is so quiet. Some days I don't speak to anyone at all.”
Being alone and being lonely are different things, and you may come to like the first. For the second, a few arrangements can help: someone who checks in every day, a standing plan every week, and a doctor who knows how you are.
Each of these can be set up with a phone call or two.
Hear when The People Around You is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.