Month six can feel lonelier than month one. Hardly anyone warns you.
The paperwork is done and the casseroles have stopped. People have gone back to their lives, and they expect, kindly, that you have too. Then his birthday comes around, and the first holiday without him, and one Tuesday you cannot get out of bed for no reason you can name.
This book is a map of the first year as some widows describe it, so the hard months are less of a surprise. It does not tell you how to grieve, or when you should feel better.
- Why month six can feel lonelier than month one, and why it is not a sign you are going backwards
- Evenings, weekends and the hours that used to be shared
- His birthday, your anniversary and the day he died: a plan, and a second, easier plan
- The holidays: hosting them, skipping them, and changing the rules
- Sleep, eating, drinking and the doctor: the conversations worth having before you need them
- The days that have no reason, and a short list to write on a good day
- Grief groups, counselors, and the hospice grief support, for up to a year, that you can ask to be put on
- The headstone, the ashes, and what happens when the year is over
The chapters are short enough to read a little at a time. Each one starts with the question you are asking, and the short answer comes first.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 Why can month six feel lonelier than month one?
“I was doing better. Now, six months on, I feel worse than I did at the funeral. What's wrong with me?”
Nothing is wrong with you. In the first months people came, the phone rang, and there was a great deal to do. The help and the busyness can thin out together, at about the time everyone else goes back to normal.
So month six can feel lonelier than month one. It is not a sign you are going backwards.
2 What do I do with the evenings and weekends?
“The days are all right. It's the evenings, and Sundays. I don't know what to do with them.”
Give them a shape. The hours the two of you shared can be the hardest, because nothing fills them on its own. A few fixed points, decided ahead, can carry you further than willpower will.
A shape is a handful of things you can count on each week, with plenty of empty room around them. You don't have to fill the rest.
3 Is what I'm feeling normal?
“I'm angry at him for dying. I feel guilty. Sometimes I feel him in the room. Is this normal?”
The feelings in this chapter are ones widows describe. The health website MedlinePlus calls grieving “part of the normal process of reacting to a loss.” It also says that how long grief lasts can depend on several things, such as whether the death was expected.
There is no right set of feelings. You do not have to have any of the ones below, and you can have several at once.
4 How do I get through his birthday, our anniversary, and the day he died?
“Our anniversary is next week. I'm dreading it more than anything.”
The days before a date like this can be harder than the day itself. You do not have to get through it on willpower alone.
Decide ahead what you will do. Have a second, easier plan in case the first one doesn't feel right that morning. Then tell one person what you have decided.
5 What do I do about the holidays?
“Everyone expects Thanksgiving at my house like always. I can't face it.”
You are allowed to change the rules this year. You can host or not, go away, skip it, or keep it exactly as it was.
Whatever you choose, decide early and tell your family plainly. Leave room to change your mind.
6 Why can't I sleep, and why don't I eat?
“I'm awake at three every night. Some days I realize I haven't eaten anything.”
Health agencies name changes in sleep and appetite among the things you may notice after a loss. Both are worth mentioning to your doctor if they go on, or if they worry you.
In the meantime, the National Institute on Aging suggests a few plain habits for sleep, and there are some simple ideas for meals. You can take what fits and leave the rest.
7 Should I talk to my doctor about this?
“I've been having a glass of wine every evening, and lately more. And I haven't seen my doctor since the funeral.”
Yes, and before you need to. Tell your doctor that he died, and mention any change in your sleep, eating, drinking or mood.
You do not have to work out whether something is grief or something more. That is your doctor's question to answer, not yours.
8 What about the days that have no reason?
“Nothing happened. It's just a Tuesday. And I can't get out of bed.”
Those days can come without warning, even when nothing has happened.
You can have a short list ready for them. Write it on a good day, and it tells you what to do on a bad one.
9 Shouldn't I be better by now?
“My daughter says I should be getting out more. At church they say it's been nearly a year. Shouldn't I be better by now?”
There is no deadline. The timelines other people hand you can say more about their own comfort than about your grief.
Feeling steadier can come early or much later, and either is ordinary. You are allowed to take the time this takes.
10 What do I do about the headstone and the ashes?
“The cemetery called about the headstone. I still have his ashes in the closet. What am I supposed to do?”
Nothing in a hurry. No federal rule sets any time limit for keeping ashes at home. Keeping them is a matter of state law, and it is generally allowed.
The headstone can wait until you are ready, once you know what the cemetery needs from you. When you do decide, there are more choices than people tell you, and a few rules to check first.
11 Would a grief group or counselor help?
“My friend says I should go to a grief group. I'm not a group person. Is there any point?”
For some people, yes, and there is more than one kind. A group, a counselor and an online community work in different ways, so not liking groups rules out only one of them.
You can try one, and leave if it is not right. Leaving needs no explanation, to the group or to your friend.
12 What happens when the year is over?
“The anniversary of his death is coming. Everyone thinks I'll be fine after it. What if I'm not?”
The first anniversary of his death can be a hard day, and it is not a finish line. You can plan it the way you planned the other dates: a first plan, a second and easier one, and one person who knows both.
After the day, some widows describe the second year as quieter, and harder in different ways. If that turns out to be true for you, it is ordinary too. You have not fallen behind.
Hear when The First Year is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.