The short answer
Nothing in a hurry. No federal rule sets any time limit for keeping ashes at home. Keeping them is a matter of state law, and it is generally allowed.
The headstone can wait until you are ready, once you know what the cemetery needs from you. When you do decide, there are more choices than people tell you, and a few rules to check first.
This chapter explains how things usually work in the United States. It is not legal, tax or financial advice, and the rules where you live may differ. Before you act on anything here, check it with one of the people named at the end of the chapter.
What to do
- Ask the cemetery what it needs from you, and whether it has rules or timing of its own for the headstone.
- Ask, if he served, whether a government headstone or marker has been ordered, and call 1-800-697-6947 if the grave is still unmarked after 60 days.
- Take someone with you to choose the stone or the wording, if you would like company.
- Ask what adding your own name would involve, now or later.
- Keep the ashes as long as you want to: no federal rule sets any time limit.
- Check the rule for the place before you scatter, whether it is the sea, a park or land.
- Ask your children, if you have children, or anyone close to him, what they would like, then decide.
What can wait
Who can help
You can ask the funeral home about your state's rules on ashes, and the cemetery office what it needs and when.
If he served and his grave is still unmarked after 60 days, call the VA at 1-800-697-6947. Navy burial at sea requests start at 1-833-330-6622.
If these decisions bring back more than you can carry today, Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists who you can call.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 5: The First Year
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 10. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 6 to 15.
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