The short answer
The feelings in this chapter are ones widows describe. The health website MedlinePlus calls grieving “part of the normal process of reacting to a loss.” It also says that how long grief lasts can depend on several things, such as whether the death was expected.
There is no right set of feelings. You do not have to have any of the ones below, and you can have several at once.
This chapter describes what widows report and what health agencies say. It is not medical or mental-health advice. If you are worried about your health, talk to your doctor. If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is for anyone who is struggling. Veterans and their families can dial 988, then press 1, or text 838255.
What to do
- Notice what you feel, without ruling on whether you should feel it.
- Tell one person about the feeling you think you shouldn't have.
- Write down what sets off the waves, if knowing them ahead helps you.
- Write down a few details of him, if you are afraid of losing them.
- Tell your doctor or a counselor if a feeling frightens you.
- Call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org, if any feeling includes thoughts of not wanting to be here.
What can wait
- Making sense of all of it.
- Deciding what a dream, or a sense of him in the room, means.
- Sorting out which guilt is fair and which is not.
- Forgiving anyone, including yourself.
Who can help
Your doctor is a good first call. A counselor or a grief group is another place to take this: Would a grief group or counselor help? explains how to find one.
You can call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org, at any hour. It is for anyone who is struggling, and you do not have to be suicidal to reach out. For most people who have thoughts of not wanting to be here, support and treatment work.
If the thoughts feel like a plan, call or text 988 now. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. The Veterans Crisis Line is 988, then press 1, or text 838255; it serves veterans, service members, and the family and friends who support them.
Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists these numbers in one place.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 5: The First Year
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 3. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 6 to 15.
Hear when the next book is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.