The short answer
You are allowed to change the rules this year. You can host or not, go away, skip it, or keep it exactly as it was.
Whatever you choose, decide early and tell your family plainly. Leave room to change your mind.
What to do
- Decide early whether you will host, and make a second, easier plan.
- Tell your family your plan plainly, before they make theirs, and say it may change.
- Change one tradition, or keep all of them, on purpose.
- Decide how, or whether, to mark his place at the table.
- Say no to anything that is too much.
- Plan something small for the day after, and for the first week of January.
- Ask whether a grief group or hospice near you holds a meeting before the holidays.
What can wait
- Cards. You can send none this year, or a few, or a note in January.
- Decorations, whether up, down, or only some of them.
- Next year. Whether this year's changes stay can be decided when next year's holiday is close.
Who can help
A faith community, if you have one, can tell you its customs for a first holiday after a death. A grief group is another place to go.
If hospice cared for him, ask to be put on its bereavement plan of care; it runs for up to a year after the death. You can also ask what it offers around the holidays.
If the season brings thoughts of not wanting to be here, tell someone today, or call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is for anyone who is struggling, and you do not have to be suicidal to reach out.
For most people who have these thoughts, support and treatment work. If the thoughts feel like a plan, call or text 988 now.
You can also text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. The Veterans Crisis Line, 988 then press 1, or text 838255, is for veterans, service members and the family and friends who support them. Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists them all.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 5: The First Year
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 5. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 6 to 15.
Hear when the next book is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.