What do I tell my children about me?

The short answer

Tell them who you are now: what you need from them, what you don't, and how you are actually doing. They may be guessing. Guessing can make people hover, or stay away.

If you have no children, this chapter can still be yours. Read it for the niece, the nephew or the friend who has stepped in and started to worry about you.

If you have one child, read "children" as "child" all the way through. Nothing here assumes a large family, or one that lives nearby.

What to do

1. Write down what you want to say on Three conversations with my children before you start.
2. Tell your children one thing you need from them and one thing you don't, one at a time if you have more than one.
3. Agree how often you'll be in touch, and what happens if a call is missed.
4. Tell them honestly how you are, on the bad days and the good ones.
5. Tell them what you would want if you ever needed more help.
6. Ask them to treat you as the person you are.

What can wait

• Conversations about the far future. You can say what matters to you and leave the details for later.
• Any decision about where you will live, or about help at home.
• Anything about a new companion. A sentence that your life will go on is enough for now.

Who can help

A family counselor can help you and your children have this conversation with someone else in the room. Your doctor, or a grief group, may know one near you.

If you are not all right, Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists who to call.

The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.

Hear when the next book is out

Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.