The short answer
Go at your own pace, and say out loud what that pace is. Holding hands, a kiss, a night together: each one can wait until you want it, and you can want one without the others.
Closeness can feel wonderful and strange at once after so long. It can feel disloyal at first, too. Questions about your body and your health belong with your doctor.
This chapter describes what widows report and what health agencies say. It is not medical or mental-health advice. Questions about your body and your health, including protection, belong with your doctor. If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is for anyone who is struggling. Veterans and their families can dial 988, then press 1, or text 838255.
What to do
- Decide your own pace, and say it out loud.
- Say not yet whenever you mean it, as often as you need to.
- Talk about closeness before it happens, somewhere calm.
- Take any health questions, including protection, to your doctor.
- Decide in daylight whether anyone stays over, and where.
- Choose what you'll say if family notices.
What can wait
- Anything you are not ready for, for as long as you're not ready.
- Staying over. Holding hands and a kiss goodnight can be all there is for a long while.
- The details, for family. You can say you're seeing someone and keep the rest private.
Who can help
Your doctor is the one to ask about your body and your health. If guilt, grief or nerves keep getting in the way, a counselor can help. The National Institute on Aging says it may help to talk with a therapist, on your own or with a partner.
To find one, you can search SAMHSA's findtreatment.gov, which covers mental health as well as addiction, or your plan's directory, or ask your doctor for a name.
If the guilt or grief stays heavy, or you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, tell someone today. You can call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is for anyone who is struggling, and you do not have to be suicidal to reach out.
For most people who have these thoughts, support and treatment work. If the thoughts feel like a plan, call or text 988 now.
You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. The Veterans Crisis Line is 988, then press 1, or text 838255, and it also serves families and friends. Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists every line.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 8: Someone New
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 6. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers month 18 and after.
Hear when the next book is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.