Wanting company again is not a betrayal. Your family may need time to see that.
You may never want another relationship, and be glad of that. Or you may find, a year or two on, that you miss having someone to tell about your day. Both are ordinary, and neither is a verdict on the marriage that ended.
This book is for either answer, and for plain curiosity. It covers how people later in life can come to meet someone, what family may say, and how to protect yourself while staying open to it.
- Friendship, companionship and dating are three different things, and naming the one you want helps
- Where people meet later in life, and what a first date can be like after decades
- Romance scams: how they work, the checks that help, and what to do if money has gone
- What adult children may say, what they may mean, and the conversation that can help
- What remarriage can change about survivor benefits, and who to ask before you marry or move in
- Money, the house and the will when someone new is in the picture
- Loving someone new and still loving him, and a full life on your own
The chapters are short enough to read a little at a time. Each opens with the question you are asking and gives the short answer first.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 Is it too soon to want someone?
“I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day. Is it wrong to want that already?”
No. There is no right time to want company, and wanting it again is not a betrayal of him.
Some widows are surprised to want someone again, sometimes after saying they never would. You may also never want another relationship, and be glad of that. Both are ordinary, and both are allowed.
2 What do I actually want: a friend, a companion, or more?
“I don't want to get married again. I just want someone to go to dinner with. Is that even a thing?”
Yes, it is a thing. Friendship, companionship and dating are three different things, and naming which one you want changes where you look, what you say, and what you agree to.
None of the three is better than the others, and none has to lead to the next. You can change your mind later, in either direction.
3 Where do people my age meet someone?
“The last time I met a man, I was nineteen. Where do people even meet at my age?”
In much the same places people meet friends. Some meet through people they already know, some through something they do every week, and some online. Each route works differently, and each has its own safe habits.
You don't have to try any of them. You can try one and stop, or read this chapter and leave it there.
4 How do I date after forty years?
“I have a date on Saturday. I'm sixty-four and I'm as nervous as a teenager.”
Nerves make sense. It has been a long time, and Saturday matters to you. Some things about dating have changed since you last did it, and some have not.
The FBI has plain advice for meeting someone from online in person. "Meet in a public place and let someone know where you will be and when you are expected to be home." The same habit suits any first date, however you met.
You can also choose daytime, make your own way there, keep it short, and talk about him as much or as little as feels natural.
5 How do I stay safe online?
“A man I've been writing to online needs money to get home from his job overseas. He seems so genuine.”
Stop before you send anything. A request for money from someone you have not met in person is the mark of a romance scam, however real he seems.
The Federal Trade Commission puts the rule in one line: “Never send money or gifts to a sweetheart you haven't met in person.” The same goes for gift cards, cryptocurrency and help moving money. The rule protects you whether he is who he says or not.
6 What about being close to someone again?
“He wants to hold my hand, and I don't know if I'm ready. And what about everything else?”
Go at your own pace, and say out loud what that pace is. Holding hands, a kiss, a night together: each one can wait until you want it, and you can want one without the others.
Closeness can feel wonderful and strange at once after so long. It can feel disloyal at first, too. Questions about your body and your health belong with your doctor.
7 What will my children say?
“My daughter said, ‘It's too soon. What would Dad think?’ I haven't spoken to her since.”
What a grown child says can be a fear in disguise. “It's too soon” can mean they are afraid their father will be forgotten.
“He's after your money” can mean they are afraid for you, or for what they may inherit, and sometimes it is a fair warning. Hearing the fear can make the next conversation possible.
If you have no children, this chapter may not be yours. His family, your friends and everyone else are in What will everyone else think?
Children from an earlier marriage, his or yours, can say any of the things below. Where this chapter says "their father" or "Dad," it means your late husband only if he was their father. His children from before have a section of their own near the end.
8 How do I tell my children?
“How do I tell my children I'm seeing someone, without it turning into a fight?”
If you have no children, much of this chapter won't apply to you. His family, your friends and everyone else are in What will everyone else think?
Tell them yourself, before they hear it from someone else. Then answer the fears under what they say: if he was their father, he is not being replaced, and he stays part of the family. If the money and the house are planned for, with a lawyer and the forms done, you can say that too.
That is the conversation that can help. It may not go smoothly the first time, and one talk doesn't have to carry everything.
9 What will everyone else think?
“People at church have noticed. His sister has stopped calling. I feel like everyone's watching.”
Some people may judge, and some may surprise you. You don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting company again.
It can help to have one short, calm sentence ready before anyone asks. Said the same way each time, it gives the watchers less to work with.
10 If it gets serious, what happens to the money?
“He's asked me to marry him. Would I lose my survivor benefits?”
It depends on the benefit, and for some of them on your age on the day you marry. Some survivor benefits continue after a remarriage at a certain age, and some stop. For some benefits, living together can count as well.
Before you marry or move in together, ask each office what would change, in writing. Then see a lawyer of your own.
11 What happens to the house and the will?
“If we move in together, what happens to my house? And what do my children get?”
It depends on how you set things up, and on the law where you live. If you live together without marrying, a partner is generally not one of your heirs. If you want him to have anything, it needs a will, a beneficiary form or a deed.
Marriage can change more than you might expect. In many states a new spouse has a right to part of an estate, whatever the will says, and your state's law decides how much. Before you marry or move in, go over your will, your deed and every beneficiary form with a lawyer of your own.
12 Can I love someone new and still love him?
“I love him. I still love my husband. Is that fair to either of them?”
Yes. You can love someone new and still love your husband, and neither love has to shrink to make room for the other. Some widows describe keeping a bond with their husband while they are in a new relationship.
A good partner can understand that your marriage is part of who you are. And if you choose to stay on your own, that is a full life too.
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Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.