Nobody hands you a list. This is the list.
In the first month after your husband dies, you will be asked to make decisions you have never made, by people who expect you to know how. Some of it cannot wait. A great deal of it can, and hardly anyone tells you which is which.
This book is the order of operations for the first thirty days: who to call in the first week, what to find first, and what you are allowed to leave alone until you can think again.
- The six calls that have to happen in the first week, and the rest that can wait
- Where to look for the documents, and what to do when they are not there
- What to say to the people who keep asking what they can do
- What the funeral home must tell you, what the will does and does not decide, and which bills to keep paying
- How to spot the scam calls that start soon after a death
Written in short chapters for someone who can read ten minutes at a time. Every chapter opens with the question you are actually asking, gives the short answer first, and ends with what to do and what can wait.
Inside: every chapter, and its short answer
Each chapter opens like this. The rest of it explains what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. It ends with what to do, what can wait, and where to find help.
1 Where do I even start?
“People keep asking me what needs to be done, and I don't know where to start.”
Start with this week, not with everything. Almost nothing has to happen today. A handful of things have to happen this week, and most of what people mention can wait a month or more.
This book sorts the first month into what has to be done now and what can be put down for later. You can read it a few pages at a time, and you can hand it to someone else to read with you.
2 Who can help me with all this?
“Everyone says ‘let me know if you need anything.’ I don't even know what to ask for.”
Choose one person to be your second pair of hands, and give everyone else a specific job. People who offer usually mean it. They are waiting to be told what.
Setting this up takes one conversation and one sheet of paper on the fridge.
3 What happens with the funeral home?
“I have to choose a casket and a date, and I can't even choose what to eat.”
You can take this more slowly than it feels. The law lets you see the prices before you choose, and you do not have to decide everything at one meeting.
If the funeral has already happened, skip to the next chapter, How many death certificates do I need?, and come back to this one if he served in the military. You can also come back when you are ready to think about a headstone.
4 How many death certificates do I need?
“The funeral home asked how many death certificates I want. How would I know?”
More than you think. Banks, insurers, pension plans and government offices each want a certified copy, and many of them keep it. A few extra now is easier than ordering more later.
Nobody can give you one right number, because it depends on what he had and who held it. You can work out your own with a short list, and someone can make it with you.
You do not have to answer the funeral home on the spot. You can ask how long you have, go home, and make your list first.
If you order too many, you end up with a few spare papers in a folder. If you order too few, you have one more errand at a time when you already have plenty.
5 What has to happen this week?
“What actually has to happen this week, and what can I leave?”
Six calls. The funeral home may already have done part of one or two of them, such as telling Social Security, and some will not apply to you. Everything else can wait at least a few weeks, except a letter with a date on it.
6 What about everyone else I'm supposed to call?
“There's a list a mile long of people I'm supposed to tell. Do I have to do it all now?”
No. About thirty calls can wait weeks or months, and some never need making. Here they are, sorted by when.
7 Where are the papers?
“Everyone wants a document I can't find.”
Most of what you need is in a handful of usual places, and almost all of it can be replaced if it is not there. Start one folder now and fill it as things turn up.
You do not have to find everything this week. You only need the papers someone is asking for now.
8 Is there a will, and what do I do with it?
“I found the will. Do I have to do something with it right away?”
Not this week, in most cases. Keep the original safe, hand nothing out yet, and book a first meeting with a probate or estate lawyer this month.
If there is no will, or you have not found one, the same steps apply. Make that appointment soon if there is no will, or if anything was in his name alone.
9 Which bills do I keep paying, and which do I stop?
“The bills are still coming. Do I pay his credit card? What if I can't?”
Keep paying the bills that keep the house running, including the mortgage and any car loan. Hold off on any other debt in his name until you have asked whether you owe it.
You're generally not responsible for his debts. They are paid from his estate, and if the estate can't pay, the debt usually goes unpaid. There are four exceptions, named in this chapter, so ask before you pay anything of his.
10 How do I keep the house, and myself, safe right now?
“Someone called saying he owed money. Someone else says there's a problem with his account. How do I know what's real?”
For the next few months, treat anything urgent that involves money as a scam until you have checked it. Checking is usually one step: hang up, and call back on a number you look up yourself.
A few other habits protect you. Never pay anyone with a gift card or a wire transfer. If the funeral is still to come, ask someone to stay at the house while it happens.
11 Why can't I think straight?
“I can't remember what anyone told me. I keep losing my keys. Am I losing my mind?”
No. Some widows describe not being able to think, remember or decide in the first weeks.
While it lasts, write everything down and decide as little as you can.
12 What can wait, and for how long?
“My sister says clear his closet. My son says sell the house. Do I have to decide?”
No. Almost everything people urge you to decide in the first month can wait. The few things with real deadlines are already in this book. Everything else can wait until you can think.
That includes the closet and the house. It also includes most of what people will raise in the next few weeks, however kindly they mean it.
Hear when The First 30 Days is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.