The short answer
You are still the person who was in that marriage. You are also someone you may not have met for a long time.
You can get to know her the way you find out anything: by noticing what you choose when nobody else is choosing with you. That takes time, and there is no date by which you need an answer.
What to do
- Write down three things you liked before you met him.
- Notice one choice a day that is only yours, and jot it down if that helps.
- Try one thing he didn't enjoy and you might.
- Keep what you want of the life you shared.
- Let the answer take as long as it takes.
What can wait
- A new sense of who you are. It can arrive in pieces, over a long time.
- Any decision about the word "widow," or what to call yourself.
- Changing the routines you shared. You can keep the ones that still fit.
Who can help
A counselor can be a place to think out loud about who you are now, and MedlinePlus says grief counseling helps some people. You can ask your doctor for a name, and your health plan's own directory shows who is in network. Other widows further along can help too, and Book 6, The People Around You, covers how to reach them in Where do I find other widows?
If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, tell someone today. You can call or text 988, or chat at chat.988lifeline.org. It is for anyone who is struggling, and you do not have to be suicidal to reach out.
For most people who have these thoughts, support and treatment work. If the thoughts feel like a plan, call or text 988 now.
You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. The Veterans Crisis Line is 988, then press 1, or text 838255, and it also serves families and friends. Where to get help tonight, at the back of this book, lists every line.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’ own pages in October 2026. They change, so check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 7: Year Two
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 2. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 15 to 24.
Hear when the next book is out
Five or six short emails a year at most, and a note when a new book is out. Each one is about something that tends to come up in the first two years. You can unsubscribe whenever you like.